Let’s bring Jesus back – USING SCIENCE!
By James on September 24, 2011 — Leave a comment
With all the controversy surrounding the May 21st Rapture that never was, it got me thinking of a much more reliable way to bring back Jesus.
You’re probably familiar with the Catholic concept of transubstantiation – where priests magically turn some wine and some wafers into the body and blood of Christ. Catholic doctrine says this is NOT symbolic, it actually happens.
This means that all transubstantiated foodstuffs will contain the exact heavenly DNA signature of the Son Of Man himself.
To collect this Holy Helix, simply go to your nearest Catholic Communion, open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue at the priest and (assuming he’s not one of those naughty priests) he will do the rest.
Once you have the essence of Jesus in your mouth, you will need to spit him into a jiffy-bag – make sure it’s one of those self-seal ones to preserve Jesus’s messianic freshness.
The next part of my brilliant plan is to get one of those cloning machines that they used to make Dolly The Sheep. Because this happened in 1996, the machines are now 15 years old, so you can probably pick one up on eBay for less than £100.
The final part of the jigsaw would be to find a host body in which Jesus’s foetus could gestate. Anybody called Mary will do, as long as she is a virgin (anything up to third base is fine).
A turkey-baster will work best here as they can be bought from any supermarket and it will ensure impregnation whilst still technically preserving the virginity of our Mary.
Please remember that in order to increase our chances of success, we will need to implant at least ten fertilised ovum. This will ensure that at least one Jesus makes it to full term – and with any luck, we might get a few more Jesii which can be used in the same way as mobile phone masts and placed around the world to boost the signal strength of the Word of the Heavenly Father.
Test Tube Jesus
Like Harold Camping, I’ve done my maths and I am 100% convinced that we can do this for about a hundred and fifty bucks. Also, like Harold Camping, I am not asking for donations, but if you want to donate your hard-earned cash, you can PayPal it to clonejebus@gmail.com *
All donations will be used to spread the good word of Clone Jesus (and also spent on weed and whores) and there will be NO REFUNDS.
God bless/fuck you all!
